


12 Years

by BigSarc



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dementors, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 16:36:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18392204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigSarc/pseuds/BigSarc
Summary: Remus confronting Sirius about his choice of staying in Azkaban for 12 years, leaving rest of the world.





	12 Years

**_Stronger than lover’s love is lover’s hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make. - Euripides, Medea_ **

—

Remus unpacked his suitcase from Hogwarts, the place he never thought would go back to, met people he thought he would never meet. He was almost at the last of his new cigarettes packet. He coughed for only halfway the first one, it later felt like breathing familiar air.

Anytime now, thought Remus.

Remus felt protection around his cabin flicker as an animal passed. He opened the door with wandless magic, he also felt push of magic from another side of the door. Sirius turned to two legs after being sure that it was safe. Remus rose from his couch to hug Sirius. A welcome hug. For Remus at least.

“I was under the impression you stopped smoking Moony,” said Sirius nudging the muscle above Remus’ collar bone, lips subconsciously tracing once familiar scars.

“Well it’s been 12 years and people change with time,” said Remus breaking hug and taking a step away from Sirius.

“What is it Sirius?” Sirius didn’t expect Remus reacting the way he did.

“Wanted to see how my old friend is doing. It’s been 12 years as you noticed,” said Sirius smiling.

“You sure took your time,” said Remus puffing up a fat ring of smoke.

“Moony, I…. I needed the punishment.”, smoke was burning Sirius’ eyes making it difficult to see Remus.

“You didn’t just punish yourself, Sirius.” another cloud of smoke.

“It was me who killed them by asking them to change. I wish you call me Padfoot unless that too changed over 12 years. And stop smoking b…,” coughed Sirius.

“I lived for 12 years thinking I outlived more than half you tossers. You were dead to me Sirius. At least half dead.” said Remus. He took a long drag and snuffed the fire in remaining fire whiskey from the evening.

“I’m here now am I not? Let’s catch-up Moony. How is Harry? He said he will visit me before summer e-”

“Sirius, your head is so high up your ass that you are eating your own shit.” chuckled Remus.

“I missed Harry. I missed you, I was in Azkaban Monny,” replied Sirius in anger. Sirius thought, expected or even hoped Remus would reciprocate the enthusiasm to rekindle the fire of youth.

“No shit. What about the rest of the world? You think it was puffskein eating candy and puking rainbows?”

“Monny! It was all fuzzy. I didn’t know..”

“You laughed! The laugh that haunted me for 12 years. I thought you were the spy. I had to believe you outted them. I thought if I had been the keeper, even if it meant my death I would save them all, you included. You laughed Sirius! I had to relive every moment we shared. I relived every detail of you during the war to find the clues I missed the first time.”

“I never betrayed them. Never!” Pain started to seep into his anger. Sirius was fighting his urge to turn to Padfoot.

“Don’t use the words so easy Sirius. You betrayed their son. Because of the judgement you passed on yourself, because of that Harry had to live without knowing his parents for most of his childhood. He had to live thinking they died in a car crash. He had to live thinking no one loved him. He lived wearing clothes that didn’t fit him, without celebrating birthdays.“ Said Remus almost shouting.

Even before facts sank into Sirius, Remus spoke softly "I can almost forgive you for not being the secret keeper. I don’t even blame you now for not being the secret keeper.”

Remus looked into the black of Sirius’ grey eyes. Sirius had never seen such spite in Remus usual warm looks. “But not for this,” continued Remus, tears pooling. “Dying for people you love, sounds sweet Sirius. Having someone who loves or cares for you is sweeter. Living for someone you love is sweetest. I was there to love you. I loved you from my bones! You hurt me more than lycanthropy Sirius. I understand I can be easy to forget, easy to fall out of love or just difficult to keep loving. Just another monster, a hell dog with tainted blood. But Harry? Harry needed all the love world has to offer. Every shred our disgusting selves can conjure up. And nothing would have even compensated Lilly’s fierce love. And James’ stupid, stubborn, blind protection. Harry had to grow up without even taste of memories, memories of Lilly, Prongs, you, me. Voldemort snatched everything from that kid. You being a fucking selfish hypocrite snatched what’s possible. And society, me… it’s too cruel to even let me close. If only… ” Remus fell to the ground sobbing. “If only you were here Sirius, Harry would have had a family that loves him. I would be allowed to rise him. He would have been a lot happier. He would have known Lilly Evans and James Potter.”


End file.
